Acronyms and Things You’d Never Expect Grandpa to Say

3 Jan

I have just entered the surreal world of trying to conceive.  I thought that a lady comes off the pill or other method of contraception and her partner and her try to procreate.  Instead, I discovered that I would have to learn an all new language and my relatives would try to impart all kinds advice and say things to me that a couple of years ago would never have left their lips in my young presence.

Of course, the first thing I did was jump on the internet and research my little heart out.  Only, I had no idea what anyone was saying:

Bfp???

I’m 11 DPO so I tested this morning…the blue ones are HPTs and the green one is an OPK… [followed by a photo I can’t access]

Wat?

Translation:

Do These Test Indicate That I Am Pregnant???

I am 11 days past ovulation, so I tested this morning. The blue tests [in the picture] are home pregnancy tests and the green one is an ovulation predictor kit.

 

  Googling these acronyms brings me to Yahoo! Answers and Urban Dictionary half the time, and I just hesitate to trust these sites.  Eventually I stumbled upon a site that breaks down all the jargon of the TTC (trying to conceive) subculture.  I have to refer to it daily.  

Additionally, I’ve had to learn a whole bunch of childish euphemisms for sex and their corresponding abbreviations. Examples:

BD= Baby Dance

LO= Love Olympics

The only one that made a little sense to me was BMS= Baby Making Sex.  At least it has “sex” in the phrase, but I still had to look up “BMS.”

On top of the wacky interwebs lexicon, I’ve made the mistake of telling family and friends that we are trying.  For one thing, it puts a little more pressure on the situation.  Not that this wasn’t already present, as my MIL (mother-in-law) asked me for grandchildren the first time I met her, though her son and I had only been together for a few months. Also, since we’ve been married, every member of the family has asked us, “When are you going to have a baby?” For another, it opens the door to talking about the birds and the bees with members of the family.  

  • Visiting my mother’s side of the family for Christmas, my great aunt gave my husband the sage advice that he “should treat [me] like a slut.”
  • In a restaurant, celebrating Christmas with my father’s side of the family, my grandfather asked us if we “wanted any porn.”
  • On facebook, my great uncle wanted in on the inappropriate and offered, “fish swim in the morning.”

I’ve also been given advice to use egg whites as lube, elevating my pelvis post-coitus, and what sexual positions work the best. But, as we are in our first cycle, I will not start rolling around on the bed Julianne-Moore-style for a while yet.  

As of now I am: 

4 DPO in C#1, and wicked excites to take my EPT, hoping for a BFP, so no visit from AF plz. Otherwise I will have to amazon a CPFM and start charting my CM and BBT. I really want to start looking for my OB/GYN or CNM. 

 

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