The Pregnancy Bed

15 Nov

I had a friend over yesterday to help me with laundry as I can’t reach the bottom of the top loading tub, being short and (as everyone LOVES saying) very pregnant.  She brought the laundry into my bedroom and started laughing.  What was so funny? The amount of pillows on the bed.  I have a few names for it, Pregnancy Bed being the first and as the configuration changes we have the Advancing the Phase Bed and then the Kiddy Bowling Alley.


The Pregnancy Bed is just the made bed, but it fits that ridiculous stereotype of pregnant ladies needing ALL THE PILLOWS.  We have two back rest pillows, two feather pillows, two regular pillows, two contour pillows, and two body pillows.  They are all piled up at the head, but for the body pillows that are in the center.  It is silly, and here’s a picture with a cat for ratio reference:Image

What you don’t see in the picture is the Boppy Cuddle Pillow (which is the most useless piece of crap ever, but it was a hand-me-down, so at least I didn’t pay for it!), and about three more pillows that used to live in the now extinct guest bedroom. These just live on the storage ottoman, which can’t hold more than one freaking pillow at a time.  TPB is stage one, and it’s not really used, it just keeps the pillows off the floor just in case it’s vacuuming day (except randomly in this picture where there is one on the floor…).


It’s pretty well known that insomnia is a common pregnancy symptom.  However, I have been an insomniac for several years prior to pregnancy.  This is what turned my husband and I onto a routine that he calls Advancing the Phase (I don’t think this is an original concept, I think he read about it somewhere).  The idea is that you have a routine that slowly winds you down for the night, it includes ending screen time well before it’s time to sleep, dimming the lights, and doing an activity that is relaxing.  In our case, we read.  I had to do a few more extreme things a couple of years ago, including quitting a job that was extremely stressful (if anyone tells you being an nanny is easy, they are a fucking dickweed). So, our AtP bed removes one pillow (my husband likes to keep the feather pillow, I like the synthetic pillow).  The remaining pillow becomes a head rest on top of the back rest pillow, the foam contour pillows are inverted on our laps and make the BEST lap desks, and the body pillows remain put or not.


Once the white noise machine has been on a while, and the reading has sufficiently made our eyes heavy, we remove the back rest and contour pillows.  The body pillows then are placed in what I like to call the Kiddy Bowling Alley. You know when you take very little kids bowling, they put up the bumpers on the sides so kids don’t get a million gutter balls?  This is what the final stage of our bed looks like.  The goal is to keep me from sleeping on my back.  Since my uterus and baby now have significant weight to them, if I lie on my back, the vena cava is squished and that leads to pins and needles EVERYWHERE.   The only major problem with this set up, is that rolling over requires waking up 100% in order to turn over and be inside the bowling lane again, and put all the blankets back over me since my bump inevitably moved them to one side.  But at this point, I probably need to pee anyway, then I need to replenish those lost fluids (you renew amniotic fluid about every 3 hours), and maybe grab a bowl of cereal because HUNGER!  There are times that there is only one body pillow in play.  Rolling over is much easier without the second pillow, though it still requires blanket rearrangement and no-I’m-not-really-awake cat-flailing.  Also, without that second pillow, my hips are bound to start aching after only 20 minutes on one side instead of every hour. 


It should also be known that my husband was the original owner of the first body pillow, I called it the Keep-Jess-Away pillow, but it really functioned as a support pillow for my husband’s side sleeping. On some level, we had a pregnancy-like bed well before we conceived, only it wasn’t mine!  We do have ongoing banter about pillow theft, and that’s not taking into account the endless tug-o-war with the blankets now that there’s so much more stuff under them.  Our bed and sleeping habits are not going to be fit for bed sharing… at least that’s one parenting decision down off the bat!


3 Responses to “The Pregnancy Bed”

  1. tristakellman November 21, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

    I wanted one of those special pregnancy pillows (a snoogle ok, so shoot me) but Gabe vetoed it because of how much space it appeard to take up. He did agree to buy a new body pillow for me, which by the time I’m all settled in..takes up roughly the same amount of space. I told him that by the third trimester either we need a new bed (we have a full still, I want a queen) or he will have to find a new place to sleep, because there won’t be room for him!

    • jessicanewey November 22, 2013 at 1:01 am #

      Yeah, I didn’t even try with the snoogle… too much sticker shock. But we’re struggling in a Queen size! Hahaha!

      • tristakellman November 22, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

        The price was his initial reason for not wanting to buy it. I have to agree though, it does seem like a lot for a pillow.

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