Archive | July, 2014

Six Months!

17 Jul

I have been a mother for six months now. I have no idea where all that time has gone. I can hardly remember the birth (I am so glad that I wrote everything down!) and the newborn stage is quickly becoming a distant memory.

My daughter can laugh and has a great sense of humor already (I’m wicked funny!). She is very physical; she is always trying to stand, she can roll from tummy to back, and her legs never ever stop moving. She’s still sweet as anything, but has her moments.

This has been an amazing and rewarding experience thus far. As much of a cliche as this is, my life has more purpose. I’ve let go of most of my selfishness which was something that I had tried to work on previously, but becoming a parent has really accelerated that process. I still struggle with trying to be the parent I want to be. I have been yelling a lot; I yell if I stub my toe, I yell at inanimate objects, and especially at the cat. I don’t usually yell at the baby, but I have twice. Both times it broke my heart, and what’s worse, it seemed to break hers. I don’t want to be like my mother. She only ever sat on the couch and yelled. She still does that and I don’t spend much time with her and that is not what I want for my daughter. Fortunately, my daughter still likes to be around me, and still lights up when I walk into the room. I’m working on it, and slowing improving- this week, I’ve only yelled in traffic… stupid Boston drivers!

I also struggle with loneliness. That is a side effect of becoming a mother that no one tells you about. I am a stay at home mom so I’ll never have the relief from the loneliness that a working mom can experience. I have a moms’ group that I attend, but I haven’t really made too many friends there. I fall into the crunchier side of parenting with the cloth diapers and the baby wearing and making my own baby food (please ignore the store bought jars that I’m currently feeding my daughter with since all the produce in my house has rotted WITHIN THE HOUR of being in my home). I fear that the crunchiness makes me a little more unapproachable. But if I attend an attachment parenting group, I’m still an outsider since I disagree with a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting (It’s not child abuse to let your child CIO or give them vaccines, STFU!).

I do have a couple of friends, and my sister has been helpful, but she’s just far enough away that I don’t see her that often. I have a friend with kids, but she’s unable to remember this stage. I have one other friend who is a nanny, and she understands childrearing, but not the 24/7-always-on-the-clock aspect of parenthood. My husband has been responsible for a huge project since his paternity leave ended, and his commute to the North End is over an hour, so he’s not able to be home. So I do remain isolated in a way.

Parenting is a mixed bag. The good definitely outweighs the bad. The bad parts are only temporary: sleepless nights (already gone for the most part), teething, not having time to myself, and (hopefully) the loneliness. The good parts make my heart brim over: her smiles and giggles at my silly antics, our trips out even if it’s just to the grocery store, reading stories, dancing and singing, witnessing her milestones, and watching her grow. My life is more challenging, but it is also better because my daughter is part of it.

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